sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
