yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
