I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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