i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
