I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We had to coat check the pizza.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize