Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
