everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
