I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
