peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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