While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
