You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
