No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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