this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
