i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
