life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm just crazy horny about you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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