i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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