After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
