the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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