Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
