It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize