If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
