I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
