there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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