Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
