After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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