No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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