I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my sisters under your porch take her home
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
