I need to stop coming to work sober
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
