I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
