I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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