I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
