Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
