My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
