If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
