Kareoke will never be a sober sport
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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