It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
