Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
