in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
