I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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