News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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