Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
