Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
