He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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