Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
