I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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