I feel like abortions should bother me more
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
