textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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