Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
