I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize