and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
