I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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