OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
