I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
