he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
