Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
