when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
