sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
