first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
