k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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