I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
